Monday, December 20, 2010

Pretty girl

One of the biggest challenges for me sometimes is looking into a mirror. It sounds ridiculous but there are some points in a day where I feel so unattractive that I dont want to see myself. As I get older Ive realized that of course this is a natural thing and most people experience this to one degree or another. It doesnt make it easier but there is a comfort there. Obviously being gay, and even more so being gay in New York, doesnt help the way I feel and the pressure is always constant to look amazing. I'm not quite sure if I feel the way high school girls feel regarding personal beauty but I think I might. And when I feel this way, the next feeling I have is shame for feeling like a high school girl. What can you do?

When I was in junior high is when it all got bad. I had the Persian unibrow, the big nose, the glasses and braces, the whole shebang. At the time, because I was in the closet and thus not wanting or able to flirt with anyone, I mostly didnt care. I knew I had no style and looked a little gawky but I didnt care. It was when I left home and started getting compliments from men, I got a lot more confident and felt pretty for the first time. But the confidence was shaky. When I started going to clubs and bars, I would compare myself to the hot guys that were all around, especially ones who seemed to have it all together. There were definitely the "it" gay guys, or at least guys who thought they were, and even thought I could talk to anyone and was well liked, I felt the divide between us. At the time I didnt realize that my feeling inadequete physically was connected to my feeling inadequate in other parts of my life. No matter how many guys called me beautiful or cute or adorable, I couldnt quite believe it.

My teeth arent as straight anymore, I have body hair that I wish wasnt there and no cheek structure. Things that dont matter in the grand scheme. Things that the average person who looked at me wouldnt even notice. And yet I internally criticize myself every day. In the past year thought I started making myself get over it. What helped was the discovery of the cool qualities inside. Hey my hair may suck but at least I can do a pretty funny Madeline Kahn impression. So I may be hairy, but I have a bleeding heart and want the best for people. I have somewhat realized that those damn cliches regarding inner beauty may hold more truth to them than I would care to admit. Ive tried to accept what beauty I have and revel in the things that are unique about me, and to let the other stuff be because I cant do a thing about it. Obsessing about your looks gets old and people would rather not here about it.

This blog is called Legs LaRue for two reasons. One because I love alliterations and two because I love my legs. They are toned and most likely should have been on a woman, but they are shapely and I dig them. This whole post is one of my attempts at putting myself out there and showing vulnerability, and I'm not the most comfortable with it. But I think self perception and physical beauty are pretty core things to talk about. Everyone can relate. Im hoping to embrace more about myself, good and imperfect, and shrug all the other stuff away.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Where are you going, where have you been?

Hello, I've realized I'm a sucky blogger when it comes to consistency, there will be attempts at getting better:)I'm sitting on my unmade bed right now and we have no hot water or heat but thats alright. I think it's gunna force me to leave my neighborhood(it never happens) and go explore somewhere further downtown with my roomie.
So last weekend I took a trip back to the Midwest and visited St. Louis. It was just a weekend trip but I was really excited for it. I don't go back that often and for the past two years I have only gone back for weekend weddings. I have been in NYC for almost 7 years and its surprising to me how each time I travel to the Lou, my perceptions about this city and that city and my part in it change. Last weekend was the first time I went to STL with someone I'm seeing(he's great) and also the first time I stayed in a hotel there. It was kind of a  strange feeling but not such a bad thing either. I ended up staying in Clayton at a pretty swanky hotel(we had a discount) and attempted to show my man how great STL was. It didn't help that the weather was awful most of the trip but I gave it the old college try and we got to drive around quite a bit and see some of the things that make my birthplace pretty neat. Like the new Grove sign and the new Amtrak Station! Way to go STL!

I have conflicting emotions about St. Louis. In a lot of ways im uber defensive of it and am very nostalgic about it. It's a quirky Boston/Cleveland/New Orleans hybrid and I dig it. On the one hand I left it to distance myself from a lot of things that had happened during childhood and also dealing with coming out. At the time I left I didn't want to associate with the Midwest any longer and felt that I needed to be on a coast, that somehow I would tap into the energy there and it would make me a happier person. Last time I felt idealistic was before i moved to New York, because it wasnt exactly the salve I thought it would be. Good lesson to learn at a young age. Any one who knows me pretty well knows that I'm not close with my family but at the same time its not as traumatic as it sounds lol so that wasnt an issue. I'm a big proponnet of making your family from people who really invest in your life. I originally thought California was the place for me but ended up in NYC and thats a story I'll have to write about sometime.And NYC then became my home. And I dug my feet in the ground and even when I was hungry and broke I was stubborn and decided I had to make it work here, to prove something to the nonexistent people watching my life. It's funny how much an 18 year old really thinks the world revolve around them.

My life changed and shifted, there were rough times in which I was so depressed and other times when there were small triumphs that made me proud that I was doing it on my own. I made sure I came back to St.Louis at least once a year though. I think I needd to come back to gauge how well I was doing, to have some kinda comparison to measure my worth. And every time it would be hard to process the things that were felt during those trips. I would touch down at Lambert and I would be happy again and feel safe. I would be around friends and we would do dumb teenager things and drive around the Metro area and reminisce and blast music and go to the Central West End and Towergrove and it would be lovely. I think that the familiarity and the laid back attitude all around was appealing to a younger me who was going through hard times in the big tough Northeast and I would want to move back so badly. I can remember every time dreading getting back on the plane to come back to New York. The funny thing was, I could have stayed in STL. No one was forcing me to stay in NYC, I had nothing tying me down there. In some ways my life was transitory. And yet I stayed. And things got better, albeit slowly and not always in the ways that were hoped for. I really believe that my getting a great job and getting myself into a great school might not have happened had I stayed in the Midwest, at least in my case. I worked hard to make my life better, and in some ways it was more a credit to the city. It forces you to grow up, to deal with tough times, to fight a little harder and I think those are great things. I really came into my own in NYC and in some cases feel more like a New Yorker that a Midwesterner.

So while I was in STL this past weekend I mulled a lot of this stuff over. I thought of how far I had come in the past 7 years, the accomplishments and the dissapointments. As we drover through old decrepit parts of North City I thought about how much I missed certain people in STL and how I missed the charm of the city, the quirkiness of it's neighborhoods. I found myself wondering whether I could see myself back here, would I if given a chance. I liked how different my perspective on the city had changed. We drove through St. Louis Hills and I felt kinder and more sympathetic to it. Now that I had made my peace and my victories elsewhere, I didnt hold a grudge against it like I had previously, even if it was subconscious. Instead, I felt a comraderie with it in a way and was rooting for it to do better. Here I get a little flowery but bare with me. The city, kinda like myself, had been knocked around a bit, took a while to get it together, but was now on its way to, if not greatness, at least a better place in it life.