Pretty girl

One of the biggest challenges for me sometimes is looking into a mirror. It sounds ridiculous but there are some points in a day where I feel so unattractive that I dont want to see myself. As I get older Ive realized that of course this is a natural thing and most people experience this to one degree or another. It doesnt make it easier but there is a comfort there. Obviously being gay, and even more so being gay in New York, doesnt help the way I feel and the pressure is always constant to look amazing. I'm not quite sure if I feel the way high school girls feel regarding personal beauty but I think I might. And when I feel this way, the next feeling I have is shame for feeling like a high school girl. What can you do?

When I was in junior high is when it all got bad. I had the Persian unibrow, the big nose, the glasses and braces, the whole shebang. At the time, because I was in the closet and thus not wanting or able to flirt with anyone, I mostly didnt care. I knew I had no style and looked a little gawky but I didnt care. It was when I left home and started getting compliments from men, I got a lot more confident and felt pretty for the first time. But the confidence was shaky. When I started going to clubs and bars, I would compare myself to the hot guys that were all around, especially ones who seemed to have it all together. There were definitely the "it" gay guys, or at least guys who thought they were, and even thought I could talk to anyone and was well liked, I felt the divide between us. At the time I didnt realize that my feeling inadequete physically was connected to my feeling inadequate in other parts of my life. No matter how many guys called me beautiful or cute or adorable, I couldnt quite believe it.

My teeth arent as straight anymore, I have body hair that I wish wasnt there and no cheek structure. Things that dont matter in the grand scheme. Things that the average person who looked at me wouldnt even notice. And yet I internally criticize myself every day. In the past year thought I started making myself get over it. What helped was the discovery of the cool qualities inside. Hey my hair may suck but at least I can do a pretty funny Madeline Kahn impression. So I may be hairy, but I have a bleeding heart and want the best for people. I have somewhat realized that those damn cliches regarding inner beauty may hold more truth to them than I would care to admit. Ive tried to accept what beauty I have and revel in the things that are unique about me, and to let the other stuff be because I cant do a thing about it. Obsessing about your looks gets old and people would rather not here about it.

This blog is called Legs LaRue for two reasons. One because I love alliterations and two because I love my legs. They are toned and most likely should have been on a woman, but they are shapely and I dig them. This whole post is one of my attempts at putting myself out there and showing vulnerability, and I'm not the most comfortable with it. But I think self perception and physical beauty are pretty core things to talk about. Everyone can relate. Im hoping to embrace more about myself, good and imperfect, and shrug all the other stuff away.